Couture, Hold the Onions!

Ladies, heed my words, I don’t care how you try to convince yourself otherwise, couture on beefy bodies does NOT cut the mustard. Let’s take it down a notch – junk in the trunk or what’s known in some circles as an ‘onion’ does not look tres fashionable with high-end designs or popular trends (refer to previous post on skinny jeans). Haute couture is not designed for every woman. It’s for the woman who juices; the woman who sweats it out every day; and the woman who understands she cannot be over a size 4 and that’s if she is taller than 5’7.

It’s about the fit and the fall. If you have cellulite and huge hips, pants won’t fall at all; they grip and cling to your thighs. If you have stomach rolls and a muffin top, dresses and blouses become tents on you. You are then a walking advertisement for a ‘fashion don’t’. So, you ask yourself, how do I transform into a ‘fashion do’? Think about what I mentioned earlier – it’s the fit and the fall. Commit this to memory. Pay attention to how clothes hit certain places on your body. Tight shirts shouldn’t emphasize fat arms. Aim for feminine, loose tops to accentuate your frame if you’re on the thick side. No matter what size you find yourself on the chart, be mindful of your skirts and where they stop on the leg. If you’re short, the bottom of the skirt should be above or at the knee to give the illusion of height. Even if you have fat knees, it will work BUT only with heels – NO FLIP FLOPS AND NO BALLET FLATS! If you have cankles (translation: fat calves that run into your ankles), avoid the colored heels. These are not your fashion friend. Find a nude shoe, one that complements your skin tone, and stroll the catwalk. Colored heels on fat legs do not work. It’s too choppy and you’ll wind up looking like the fat ballerina hippo.

Men, the rules of being fashion savvy apply to you too. Shirts should have a break in the cuff and not extend past the wrist. If the bottom of the cuff is touching your hand, it is tacky beyond belief. Your suits may not be designed by the demigod Tom Ford, a la James Bond style, but that is no excuse for you to resemble Steve Harvey or some of these athletes who have no fashion sense whatsoever. Try on the shirt prior to leaving the store. Have your pants tailored and look at where it breaks on the shoe. Find a style of jacket that works for you – single or double-breasted and make sure it fits! If you are accessorizing, please keep it to a minimum. Flashy does not look fab. You are not posing for a Versace ad! Wear a nice watch, with the appropriate number of links (it shouldn’t dangle), one ring – not on the pinky (you are not a hustler) and no bracelets. For the record, according to the Dripping Sexy standard (yes, there is such a standard), men wearing bracelets is a grand faux pas! However, men, if you find it absolutely impossible to resist the urge to wear a bracelet, keep your David Yurman and John Hardy (imitations are never acceptable) to weekend or evening wear. I find it necessary to ask and not rhetorically either, so if anyone can provide an answer please do so. Men, why do you strategically position your watch, just so, on the OUTSIDE of the already too long shirt and suit sleeve? It’s as though you think someone is impressed by your watch. Sweetie, we are not…especially if it’s a Fossil!! It’s gaudy. Find a nice leather belt and stylish shoes. Shine them and keep them suitable for the occasion. Slip on shoes don’t work all the time. A nice lace up might push you fashion forward. Pay attention to your cuff links – low key works best here too. Your tie knot should make me think of Daniel Craig but only when he’s in James Bond mode. Also, pay attention to the quality of your tie, whether traditional or bow.

We size one another up the minute an entrance is made. Ladies, be the arm candy that your man desires. If you don’t pull it together, he will find eye candy to fill your role while you’re home with les enfants. Men, all of the above mentioned items truly do make the man. In addition to having a man look dashing in his suit, it helps if he exudes confidence. Arrogance and cockiness – save it for the lady with the Steve Madden shoes. Name dropping and leaving your Mercedes, BMW or Range Rover key chain out so we can see how much debt you’re in…also not sexy. Save it for the girls who find athletes attractive simply because they play a high dollar sport but can’t pull together a cogent thought especially in front of the camera. Be humble. Be tasteful. Always be a gentlemen. We do pay attention.

Now that’s dripping sexy…


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